Thursday, July 5, 2012

I am so on and off with this blog. Its been a year since I have written a word. I don't even know where to start. Lots has changed in a year. A year ago I really did not have much of a life. I could say that has changed allot. I go out with friends. My marriage is a little better. I guess what they say is true about 2 to 3 years a woman can start to heal. I have. Not all the way and I don't think a person can heal all the way from what happened. But this is a start. I guess since this is a blog on adoption I should talk about that. But it will be hard because really I don't even think about adoption, my bmom, my old friends on the forums. I really don't think much about it at all. I do have my bio sister in my life and yes she can get me thinking about it. I just don't get upset or feel any sense of loss at all anymore. It still can be sad. It might always feel that way. The way things turned out for my bmom and her family is sad. I lost out on allot but gained some good stuff too. My sister always tells me how good it was for me that I did not have to grow up with them. She will never get it. Shes wasn't adopted. At times I feel bad for her that she wishes she was me. Grant it I had great adoptive parents but still I lost allot. She sees it as I escaped. I see it as me being first born that I caused it. It is what it is. Give up your first born and see how screwed up your life can get afterward. You will never be the same again. I feel like I can live my life without living adoption everyday. For years I was engulfed in it. Everyday feeling my own story, writing about it, talking about it, feeling others stories, trying to take part in changing it, feeling others pain, seeing it everyday online through adoption forums, blogs, defending my stances on it, fighting and cursing others on it. I don't do that now, and I'm happy. My friendships are back, my relationships are better, I have more time for myself and my family as I am not latched on to my computer. I never realized how many endless hours I spent thinking about adoption even though my life went forward it was always there lingering even in the hours I wasn't delved physically into it, my mind was. Its not anymore. I rarely think of it. I have no desire at all to ever speak to my bmom again. I don't miss her or want her in my life. I do not feel deserted or abandoned by her. I do not feel pushed away or unloved by the way she ended our relationship. I guess I ended it by never calling her again but she really ended it by starting a fight with me over my siblings. Just because she messed stuff up with them and they wont talk to her does not mean I cannot have a relationship with them then or now. I don't regret finding her even now though. I don't have ill feeling towards her for any of it. I am no longer angry about adoption. Mine at least. I still have strong feelings about adoption in general but it no longer dictates my moods or life. I still like to talk about my stance on adoption with people that know nothing of what they speak. I still like to educate someone if I can. I just don't care to fight to be heard anymore. I gave up the fight. Yes there are times I want to punch people in the face with their ignorant comments. That will always be there but I'm not going out of my way to start a fight. Ive accepted that there are going to be people that will never listen or hear what an adopted person has to say. I still believe that adoption is never about the child. See I have changed but not so much. Again I say I just don't live and breath it. Maybe it was the therapist I saw. We did the little light therapy that people do for PTSD. It works for allot of things. I worked for me after we were done I did not feel any kind of pain. Hmmm like a witchdoctor,,, making me laugh. No it was really gone. I was ready to move on to the next issue which was childhood issues with the adoptive parents,, we finished that and bam weeks later gone. I was over it. Now we can start with the marital stuff we will see if she has the same luck. I don't know that is is for now. I might come back in a few days, weeks, months and check in I cant make any promises. Just know that I am content, happy, feeling fulfilled for the first time in a very long time. Life is good.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'm not that scary

I have been going through adoptive parent and foster parent blogs tonight. I noticed tons of aparents and foster parents blogs on the blogs lists.. But I did not see any adoptee blogs listed on their blog lists.

What is up with that. We are essentially their children. Some of us can be pretty rough about adoption. But wouldn't these people have allot to learn from us. I had this discusson today about learning from adoptees that suffered from adoption. No its not fun reading. No its pretty hard to even contimplate your child feeling some of the stuff we touch on. Here's the thing, can you guarantee that they won't feel like us. I have learned from my 4 children to never say they will never do something or feel something. I felt like an idiot when they did exactly what i said they would "NEVER" do. One of the first lessons in parenting.

Look.. I loved my aparents, they loved me. I had a pretty good upbringing yada yada. I am a pretty good adult. I function pretty good. I am far from perfect that is for sure. Yet adoption effected me profoundly. Nothing my aparents could do would change that for me. There are though some things they could have done to be more supportive of my emotions regarding my adoption. Do I believe there are some kids, adults unaffected,, NO. Adoption has effected them some way. They too could be highly functioning adults with normal lives. Great so do I. Do I wish my parents would have been more prepared hell yes. But they weren't it was not the generation for it. I hope this generation of adoption parents is different. I hope these parents are advocates for their childrens rights. I hope they educate themselves before fostering a child with RAD or adopt a newborn from China, or a baby here in the USA. I have my own antiadoption viewpoints. Strong opinions on infant adoption, adopting internationally but this post is not about that.

Why are so many of you afraid to hear the ugly feelings on adoption from us. To me it would be like silencing your own child.

I agree the delivery is huge. I have come to learn that is really important if I want my ugly truth to be heard I need to soften the delivery. I will not though sugarcoat it for you. In doing that I feel like I am doing a disservice to all the little adoptees out there that are not old enough to be heard.

There is something to be learned from even the very adament anti adoption adoptee. Some of them had childhoods just like your giving your children. They are not all abused, mentally challenged people. Yes some of them have been horribly abused as kids. Some of them have horror stories. But allot of them are just like me.

Maybe your views and opinions are not welcome to allot of us and that offends you. Will I am not worried about you. Adoption is about the child.

Put aside your defensiveness and listen. Don't step in and debate. Just listen. It is the biggest gift you can give your child.

Sometimes its hard to take. It can bring you down. Take away your hope of having a normal child. IMO no child from adoption will ever be normal. Adoption makes us different. We can try to have a normal life but when so much is taken from us against out will how can we be the same as a bio child.. Yes you can love us the same. Treat us the same. But in our hearts we know we are different. Some adoptees will tell you they feel no different and I can respect that. I do. But IMO they are different. Their rights are different. Different can mean many things. Some people are just not going to be as emotionally tied to their bfamilys. But I will be damned if they are not curious as to who they are, and what they are, and from what they came from.

Some people can handle it and tell all kinds of great positive adoptions stories.. Good for them they can give you hope. I am here to be realistic and tell the not so pretty side of what adoption can do to some adoptees. My story is what is going to make you a better parent in hard times. During times your child challenges you. During times your child will want to talk adoption instead of being afraid of hurting you and pushing their own feelings away in order to protect you.

I am not here to tell you your child is doomed and will be a miserable, lonely, pissed at the world adult.

What I am here to do is tell the truth about feelings I have not chose to ignore or not explore. I did that for 35 years. I was that adoptee that said adoption was wonderfull until I really looked into my heart and my life.

I do want you to be a little scared. Because if you weren't that would tell me you don't care or your living in a dream world.

Seeing adoptive parents in this state is what pisses me off.. To say """not my child""" is ignorant and irresponsible. It makes you selfish.

It's hard to look at the things that scare us. I know that. I pushed my feelings about being adopted away for almost my entire life because it scared me. But because I have looked at it and learned more about my experience I am better for it. It has helped me to accept something I had no control over.

Adoption is a scary thing sometimes, it scares allot of you. You are scared for your childs mental well being. Imagine how scary it is to them. Listen to us. Hear our stories.

Do it so you can deal and accept your childs story. And you can be there for them when they need someone to listen too them. Sure they can someday go online and talk to other adoptees like I did. But if I could have talked to my mom and dad about it that would have filled a huge void for me. This is a different time for adoptees. I want to see things be different for them.

You can help it be better for them. Isn't that what you want?

So please,, even when its very painfull for you please just keep and open heart and mind and hear us. Again we are not trying to scare you. I for one am trying to empower you with the knowledge of what's in my heart and soul,,adoption and all.

Stick around and get to know me I am not that scary I promise.. promise.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

regrets

Watched Gene Simmons family jewels last night. It brought back allot of feelings. I am not in contact with my bmom anymore. Long story has been told before, I will touch on it a little.

In one of the episodes I watched last night Gene met his half brother and 3 sisters for the first time. Gene is 61 and knew about these siblings but it looked like he avoided meeting them to deny the emotions he felt in regards to them. He also would not contact or have in his life his father. His father left his mother and him when he was 7 years old. After that Gene and his mother came to the USA. I can relate to his emotions of meeting his siblings even if he is not adopted. Its kinda the same feelings I had. After he met them and after learning more about the Dad that left he felt very remorseful that he had not come to say goodbye to his father before he died.

That made me think of my bmom. Should I contact her again and try to smooth things over and be the better person and just deal with her craziness.. I don't want to feel the way he did when she is old and sick, or has died. But I don't even know if she wants anything to do with me. She is the one who walked away from me. She did not like the fact I was having a relationship with my brothers and sister. She did not like that I didn't want to hear her bad mouth them and when I told her the 100th time to please not put me in the middle she said that I was the oldest and I needed to fix everything.. WHAT!!!! I have not been in her life for 36 years or known anything about them and because I am fist born I have to fix her relationships that she ruined with her kids. ugggg

I don't know maybe she thought me coming back could bring the family together again. Anyways I sometimes wonder if I should have been more understanding and just given it more time. I did not chase after her when she left me in a parking lot after me telling her to please not talk about my brother so badly. I wanted to get to know them and have my own impression on what kind of people they were and it was not fair for her to taint them to me. They were her own kids for god sake. When she told my sister that we were not speaking anymore she said it was because we just did not connect. WOW. That was not how I felt. She was my mother, I felt connected just because of that. We talked all the time, saw each other, spent time together (mostly her telling me about how horrible her kids were for not speaking to her) she would tell me how much she loved me yada yada. But then when I stood up to her I was not important anymore. I was hurt at the time. I am over it now. But she is my mother. I guess I do love her because of that. I also know that the event of giving up her first born was so traumatizing for her that it effected all her relationships and her state of mine. Her life was not so easy after giving me up. But neither was mine. I don't compare our pain or experiences. Adoption hurt her and it hurt me in some ways also. I sometimes think it was worse for her.

But as I watched Gene Simmons cry over his fathers grave begging him to forgive him for not coming to see him or making contact to try and be a part of his life. I started to think about how unimportant some things are. How petty things are.

I don't think the regrets we have about the things we have DONE matter much. Its the regrets about the things we DIDN'T do in life that hurt us and in the end those are the ones we will think of.

I recieved some messages from the other day. I am not going to say who it was. Not even sure they reads this. But I wanted to say thank you. They meant allot to me. I really don't want to log back on to respond so I thought that maybe I could do it here. I did not want to make it seem like my online relationships don't matter to me. All I was trying to say was I used to put everything into them and not enough in my IRL friends. They are all here and waiting to be a part of my life. I need to stop pushing them away. They aren't going away they have made it ovious they love and need me too. I realized that the online relationships can end to easily and just like that, and they did. People online will walk away or turn on you without looking back. You think that your online friends know you but they really don't. Without seeing in real life my long time relationships and what I mean the them or how I treat those relationships I just don't think anyone online can really know me to judge me. So saying things to me to hurt me when ending a relationship with me here online cant really mean anything or hurt me. Anyways I feel good. It made me review what kind of friend I am and made me pay attention to what kind of friend I want to be.

So I hope I did not hurt any feelings. People are important to me. They always have been. I need people in my life. In real life and here. I just need to be able to place prioritys on my relationships better. Some of my friends here have become IRL friends. People I care about deeply and love very much. Thankyou guys for wanting to meet me and give me a place in your lives. I love you.

Ani

Monday, July 11, 2011

a line was drawn.

I was upset earlier today. I cut contact with a adoption forum and some so called adoptee "friends". I almost cried. Until my youngest daughter came over and gave me a hug.

At that moment it hit me that these people I met online were not my friends. They were mearly people I had known online just a little. It is really hard to "really" know anyone through contact online. IMO at least. They did not know me. I was not able to have my truths or emotions about adoption, frankly they scared the crap out of me and most times I did not post what I really was thinking due to the fear of being thrashed like they do to so many that don't hold all their opinions. But today I was called the bully. Ok sometimes I can be. I can accept that, usually the bully comes out when I see another being bullied and I tend to become one myself in order to protect that person. I have not done it in awhile. But I did yesterday and today. It fealt good to have my truth, whether I did it in a harsh way or not. They should be able to take, they dish it out plenty.

Anyways who cares back to the hug,, I also realized that I alienate myself from people IRL. Yet I have a ton of lifetime friends who want to be a part of my life. I push myself away from allot of people and from a few responses to my last post realize that some of my insecuritys are self imposed. Why I do that I dont know. But here is the real in life person hugging me. It didn't seem to matter, and I thought "none of these "people' I had thought mattered really did matter". It was over just like that.

My views on adoption are important. My IRL relationship are important. I have neglected them. I have lived my feelings and emotions online. Here and on the forums. That is not the way to live.

Especially when you have warm blooded real life people who want to love and hear you. Why have I not heard "them". I'm going to start listening.

I like to come here at times and write and hear your responses but I have come to rely on you all to fill a void in my real life. I do appritiate those of you who truelly support me and do know me.

In truth I am human I can be selfish, a bully, all those things. But I don't want to force you to believe my truths and my truths only. I would like that, but its not neccesary for me to validate myself,, see that is the problem I find in alot of adoptees. I'm not going to be
"that" adoptee.

There was a line drawn and I knew it was there yet I continued to be a part of it. Maybe I wanted to feel like a part of something. Today I realized that is not at all what I wanted. I have seen that I am not alone. I don't want to alienate myself only to be a part of something that I now see is hurtfull. There are many places I can be a part of something and still feel good about me. Antiadoption forums are not the place. Don't take me wrong I do not like adoption. There will always be a line. That franlky is sad but it is what it is. Not great for the cause but they won't see that. But until god changes the good and evil part in this world people are still going to give their flesh and blood away. If they don't dump them to the adoption parents they will dump them to even worse places.

Anyways I don't even feel like going there in this post.

Today I realized what is really important. What a great year it has been. Painfull times yes but if I really think about what I have learned these past few years about life its not so bad. I might want to think about what I have instead of what I don't have from here on out.


ani

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

abandoned

So I am 42 years old, married for 20 years with 4 children. Something is going on with me. I am lonely as hell. I am not working and yes that might be a huge part of it. The laundry, cooking, cleaning has lost its appeal after 20 years. Dont take me wrong I love taking care of my family but I am just lonely. My husband works 2 jobs the kids are never home. I am sorta feeling the empty nest thing. I dont have anyone to talk to. I have plenty of girlfriends yet I hold back. I seem to have become a hermit.

With all that happened in my marriage I now see how people get themselves into this mess. Alot of it is common sense. It took me awhile to figure it out. I know why at this age and after this many years of marriage people divorce. They get bored with each other.. All the conversations have been had, dreams discussed, children grown. Marriage get boring if you dont make a HUGE effort to keep it exciting. And I mean HUGE effort It is not easy keeping things interesting after being together for that long.

I also wonder how much this seclusion is about adoption. I cant explain here but I have a feeling it is a part of it. I dont reach out anymore. I am not the strong woman I was in my 20s and 30s, I feel like I lost who I was. I feel like I tolerate a dull marriage because I am afraid of not having anything at all. I have never felt so alone. After conversation and conversation about how unhappy I am nothing in my marriage changes. Do I leave NO!! What is wrong with me.. will I'll tell you. I have no education or means to make any money to take care of myself, I will barely get enough from my husband. I will not even be able to afford a apartment that will be big enough for me and the girls. They would end up living with him most likely. Support would only last me maybe 7 years and I dont get crap out of his military retirement untill he has done 20 years active duty and me married to him the entire time. So I dedicate myself to my husband and kids, stay home and raise them like he wanted. Did not go to school to protect myself if he left and look at where I am.. I swear I will never let my own girls make the same mistake and that is too bad. That a young woman can not choose to be at home with her kids because most men cheat and the marriage ends. They would be screwed as am I. They will have no choice in the matter of an education if its up to me.

Here is the kicker after all hes done I still love him. After all the lies and trauma I still love him. I am sick.

Each night I go through this horrible lonelyness. I cant stand it. It is almost unbearable. I thought maybe if I blogged about this I would not feel so alone. Surely with the amount of people that get divorced at this age I certainly am not alone.

I feel so abandoned by him and I dont believe he has done enough to make up for what he did. So I wait for him to do so.. still not much. I understand he is busy. I understand we have kids,, but those are some of the reasons we are in this mess.

I seem to alienate myself from him and the kids.. I get jelous of the attention the girls get.

Am I normal. Do alot of woman feel this way.

Or is it the adoptee in me that is feeling abandoned. Fact is he did abandon me. Now how do I get over it.

I admit I am not the same pathetic mess I was a year ago. Thankgod I am feeling tons better. Yet I still cant get past this lonelyness..

Not sure what to do about it.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

going to keep posting this again and again when I dont have anything better to say,, this will be the second time

Adoption today is turning into a swap meet.

I picture this dirty swap meet a place where people go to shop for a child. Different vendors are everywhere, all of them making promises for the perfect setup, the perfect agreement. They specialize in one type of product. Theirs is better then the rest, and they promise to be competitive, but some still believe even though this is a swap meet that "You get what you pay for." Some products are just downright cheap. Depends on the product. And there are many to choose from.

So I see all these shoppers. Some know exactly what they want. There are even some sections that carry slightly used products -- but not many -- and there are not many shoppers in the used section.

There is a section with warning labels. These products have been sitting on the shelf for awhile in the slightly used section because so many people want to buy new. Just when a buyer is ready to make a purchase warning label section, many change their minds to find a more suitable product that fits their lifestyle and personality the best. I mean really we all want the perfect match, don't we?

Then there are the vendors who carry the manufacturer along to help with the purchase. The manufacturers stand by their product and will sell to only certain types of clients. This is a different section then the rest. It has a unique spark. Here the buyers are on display, showing all the bells and whistles they have. The best one gets chosen, with buyers’ lining up to purchase the prize that the manufacturers have produced. These manufacturers hold the product with care and love and really do not ever lose the product--they can check in when they want because it is in the purchase agreement.

For the most part this section is very productive and works in favor of both the manufacturers and the product and the buyer. But there are always those who take advantage of this section.Yet this could be great section.

Then there are the imports. These are usually older models, not usually new, maybe a few months old. These usually do not come with a manual or history of manufacturers, and they come from poorer countries. But the worth is just the same. This section is also very busy.

You have to see how the products are shelved by the vendors.
by race
by color
by sex
by eye color
by temperament
by warning labels and potential side effects
by age
You get the picture. In the end all these products have the same worth.

The swap meet is busy and prosperous. This item is big, this item is wanted, this item is unique, but they are all essentially the same.

This post is in regards to how adoption makes me feel sometimes. I could have been the one with the warning label on its forehead. "Potential side effects may occur." I might have been one of the items that did not cut it -- no buyer wanted to take a chance with the side effects. I could have been one of the items that ended up never going home with a buyer. And with many others I would have stayed on the dusty shelf. Losing my value everyday after that. Eventually I would not even be glanced at. The vendor would eventually move me to the junkyard. And my value and worth would never be looked at again and eventually I would be worthless with the other worthless items. All because someone was not willing to just love me, take a chance that they were the only thing I needed to flourish and grow. All I needed was love.

And I am sorry the old saying about you can't buy love. Well it is true, but people want the perfect love. Can the shoppers unconditionally love a product that comes with no guarantee?

Every one of us is different, unique and you cannot put a price on us. You also cannot pick us out. We are all the same, a product of unique creation.

It does not matter what section you purchase us from. To us we are all the same. Priceless and beautiful. In our own unique way. I wish I could create a place that was just as unique as we are, a place that honors each of us as individuals. A place where we are safe from having labels applied to us, where we were not separated by manufacturer or vendor criteria, where the only cost in obtaining us was the pain of our loss to our creator. Which can never be repaid.

That place will never come to be when the buyers are wanting that certain one. There will be a lot of precious items with warning labels sitting on the shelves. In this world they are not looked upon as equal in value.

HUMAN VALUE, THE KIND YOU CAN NOT BUY.