Wednesday, July 6, 2011

abandoned

So I am 42 years old, married for 20 years with 4 children. Something is going on with me. I am lonely as hell. I am not working and yes that might be a huge part of it. The laundry, cooking, cleaning has lost its appeal after 20 years. Dont take me wrong I love taking care of my family but I am just lonely. My husband works 2 jobs the kids are never home. I am sorta feeling the empty nest thing. I dont have anyone to talk to. I have plenty of girlfriends yet I hold back. I seem to have become a hermit.

With all that happened in my marriage I now see how people get themselves into this mess. Alot of it is common sense. It took me awhile to figure it out. I know why at this age and after this many years of marriage people divorce. They get bored with each other.. All the conversations have been had, dreams discussed, children grown. Marriage get boring if you dont make a HUGE effort to keep it exciting. And I mean HUGE effort It is not easy keeping things interesting after being together for that long.

I also wonder how much this seclusion is about adoption. I cant explain here but I have a feeling it is a part of it. I dont reach out anymore. I am not the strong woman I was in my 20s and 30s, I feel like I lost who I was. I feel like I tolerate a dull marriage because I am afraid of not having anything at all. I have never felt so alone. After conversation and conversation about how unhappy I am nothing in my marriage changes. Do I leave NO!! What is wrong with me.. will I'll tell you. I have no education or means to make any money to take care of myself, I will barely get enough from my husband. I will not even be able to afford a apartment that will be big enough for me and the girls. They would end up living with him most likely. Support would only last me maybe 7 years and I dont get crap out of his military retirement untill he has done 20 years active duty and me married to him the entire time. So I dedicate myself to my husband and kids, stay home and raise them like he wanted. Did not go to school to protect myself if he left and look at where I am.. I swear I will never let my own girls make the same mistake and that is too bad. That a young woman can not choose to be at home with her kids because most men cheat and the marriage ends. They would be screwed as am I. They will have no choice in the matter of an education if its up to me.

Here is the kicker after all hes done I still love him. After all the lies and trauma I still love him. I am sick.

Each night I go through this horrible lonelyness. I cant stand it. It is almost unbearable. I thought maybe if I blogged about this I would not feel so alone. Surely with the amount of people that get divorced at this age I certainly am not alone.

I feel so abandoned by him and I dont believe he has done enough to make up for what he did. So I wait for him to do so.. still not much. I understand he is busy. I understand we have kids,, but those are some of the reasons we are in this mess.

I seem to alienate myself from him and the kids.. I get jelous of the attention the girls get.

Am I normal. Do alot of woman feel this way.

Or is it the adoptee in me that is feeling abandoned. Fact is he did abandon me. Now how do I get over it.

I admit I am not the same pathetic mess I was a year ago. Thankgod I am feeling tons better. Yet I still cant get past this lonelyness..

Not sure what to do about it.

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