Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'm not that scary

I have been going through adoptive parent and foster parent blogs tonight. I noticed tons of aparents and foster parents blogs on the blogs lists.. But I did not see any adoptee blogs listed on their blog lists.

What is up with that. We are essentially their children. Some of us can be pretty rough about adoption. But wouldn't these people have allot to learn from us. I had this discusson today about learning from adoptees that suffered from adoption. No its not fun reading. No its pretty hard to even contimplate your child feeling some of the stuff we touch on. Here's the thing, can you guarantee that they won't feel like us. I have learned from my 4 children to never say they will never do something or feel something. I felt like an idiot when they did exactly what i said they would "NEVER" do. One of the first lessons in parenting.

Look.. I loved my aparents, they loved me. I had a pretty good upbringing yada yada. I am a pretty good adult. I function pretty good. I am far from perfect that is for sure. Yet adoption effected me profoundly. Nothing my aparents could do would change that for me. There are though some things they could have done to be more supportive of my emotions regarding my adoption. Do I believe there are some kids, adults unaffected,, NO. Adoption has effected them some way. They too could be highly functioning adults with normal lives. Great so do I. Do I wish my parents would have been more prepared hell yes. But they weren't it was not the generation for it. I hope this generation of adoption parents is different. I hope these parents are advocates for their childrens rights. I hope they educate themselves before fostering a child with RAD or adopt a newborn from China, or a baby here in the USA. I have my own antiadoption viewpoints. Strong opinions on infant adoption, adopting internationally but this post is not about that.

Why are so many of you afraid to hear the ugly feelings on adoption from us. To me it would be like silencing your own child.

I agree the delivery is huge. I have come to learn that is really important if I want my ugly truth to be heard I need to soften the delivery. I will not though sugarcoat it for you. In doing that I feel like I am doing a disservice to all the little adoptees out there that are not old enough to be heard.

There is something to be learned from even the very adament anti adoption adoptee. Some of them had childhoods just like your giving your children. They are not all abused, mentally challenged people. Yes some of them have been horribly abused as kids. Some of them have horror stories. But allot of them are just like me.

Maybe your views and opinions are not welcome to allot of us and that offends you. Will I am not worried about you. Adoption is about the child.

Put aside your defensiveness and listen. Don't step in and debate. Just listen. It is the biggest gift you can give your child.

Sometimes its hard to take. It can bring you down. Take away your hope of having a normal child. IMO no child from adoption will ever be normal. Adoption makes us different. We can try to have a normal life but when so much is taken from us against out will how can we be the same as a bio child.. Yes you can love us the same. Treat us the same. But in our hearts we know we are different. Some adoptees will tell you they feel no different and I can respect that. I do. But IMO they are different. Their rights are different. Different can mean many things. Some people are just not going to be as emotionally tied to their bfamilys. But I will be damned if they are not curious as to who they are, and what they are, and from what they came from.

Some people can handle it and tell all kinds of great positive adoptions stories.. Good for them they can give you hope. I am here to be realistic and tell the not so pretty side of what adoption can do to some adoptees. My story is what is going to make you a better parent in hard times. During times your child challenges you. During times your child will want to talk adoption instead of being afraid of hurting you and pushing their own feelings away in order to protect you.

I am not here to tell you your child is doomed and will be a miserable, lonely, pissed at the world adult.

What I am here to do is tell the truth about feelings I have not chose to ignore or not explore. I did that for 35 years. I was that adoptee that said adoption was wonderfull until I really looked into my heart and my life.

I do want you to be a little scared. Because if you weren't that would tell me you don't care or your living in a dream world.

Seeing adoptive parents in this state is what pisses me off.. To say """not my child""" is ignorant and irresponsible. It makes you selfish.

It's hard to look at the things that scare us. I know that. I pushed my feelings about being adopted away for almost my entire life because it scared me. But because I have looked at it and learned more about my experience I am better for it. It has helped me to accept something I had no control over.

Adoption is a scary thing sometimes, it scares allot of you. You are scared for your childs mental well being. Imagine how scary it is to them. Listen to us. Hear our stories.

Do it so you can deal and accept your childs story. And you can be there for them when they need someone to listen too them. Sure they can someday go online and talk to other adoptees like I did. But if I could have talked to my mom and dad about it that would have filled a huge void for me. This is a different time for adoptees. I want to see things be different for them.

You can help it be better for them. Isn't that what you want?

So please,, even when its very painfull for you please just keep and open heart and mind and hear us. Again we are not trying to scare you. I for one am trying to empower you with the knowledge of what's in my heart and soul,,adoption and all.

Stick around and get to know me I am not that scary I promise.. promise.

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