Monday, July 11, 2011

a line was drawn.

I was upset earlier today. I cut contact with a adoption forum and some so called adoptee "friends". I almost cried. Until my youngest daughter came over and gave me a hug.

At that moment it hit me that these people I met online were not my friends. They were mearly people I had known online just a little. It is really hard to "really" know anyone through contact online. IMO at least. They did not know me. I was not able to have my truths or emotions about adoption, frankly they scared the crap out of me and most times I did not post what I really was thinking due to the fear of being thrashed like they do to so many that don't hold all their opinions. But today I was called the bully. Ok sometimes I can be. I can accept that, usually the bully comes out when I see another being bullied and I tend to become one myself in order to protect that person. I have not done it in awhile. But I did yesterday and today. It fealt good to have my truth, whether I did it in a harsh way or not. They should be able to take, they dish it out plenty.

Anyways who cares back to the hug,, I also realized that I alienate myself from people IRL. Yet I have a ton of lifetime friends who want to be a part of my life. I push myself away from allot of people and from a few responses to my last post realize that some of my insecuritys are self imposed. Why I do that I dont know. But here is the real in life person hugging me. It didn't seem to matter, and I thought "none of these "people' I had thought mattered really did matter". It was over just like that.

My views on adoption are important. My IRL relationship are important. I have neglected them. I have lived my feelings and emotions online. Here and on the forums. That is not the way to live.

Especially when you have warm blooded real life people who want to love and hear you. Why have I not heard "them". I'm going to start listening.

I like to come here at times and write and hear your responses but I have come to rely on you all to fill a void in my real life. I do appritiate those of you who truelly support me and do know me.

In truth I am human I can be selfish, a bully, all those things. But I don't want to force you to believe my truths and my truths only. I would like that, but its not neccesary for me to validate myself,, see that is the problem I find in alot of adoptees. I'm not going to be
"that" adoptee.

There was a line drawn and I knew it was there yet I continued to be a part of it. Maybe I wanted to feel like a part of something. Today I realized that is not at all what I wanted. I have seen that I am not alone. I don't want to alienate myself only to be a part of something that I now see is hurtfull. There are many places I can be a part of something and still feel good about me. Antiadoption forums are not the place. Don't take me wrong I do not like adoption. There will always be a line. That franlky is sad but it is what it is. Not great for the cause but they won't see that. But until god changes the good and evil part in this world people are still going to give their flesh and blood away. If they don't dump them to the adoption parents they will dump them to even worse places.

Anyways I don't even feel like going there in this post.

Today I realized what is really important. What a great year it has been. Painfull times yes but if I really think about what I have learned these past few years about life its not so bad. I might want to think about what I have instead of what I don't have from here on out.


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