Wednesday, July 13, 2011

regrets

Watched Gene Simmons family jewels last night. It brought back allot of feelings. I am not in contact with my bmom anymore. Long story has been told before, I will touch on it a little.

In one of the episodes I watched last night Gene met his half brother and 3 sisters for the first time. Gene is 61 and knew about these siblings but it looked like he avoided meeting them to deny the emotions he felt in regards to them. He also would not contact or have in his life his father. His father left his mother and him when he was 7 years old. After that Gene and his mother came to the USA. I can relate to his emotions of meeting his siblings even if he is not adopted. Its kinda the same feelings I had. After he met them and after learning more about the Dad that left he felt very remorseful that he had not come to say goodbye to his father before he died.

That made me think of my bmom. Should I contact her again and try to smooth things over and be the better person and just deal with her craziness.. I don't want to feel the way he did when she is old and sick, or has died. But I don't even know if she wants anything to do with me. She is the one who walked away from me. She did not like the fact I was having a relationship with my brothers and sister. She did not like that I didn't want to hear her bad mouth them and when I told her the 100th time to please not put me in the middle she said that I was the oldest and I needed to fix everything.. WHAT!!!! I have not been in her life for 36 years or known anything about them and because I am fist born I have to fix her relationships that she ruined with her kids. ugggg

I don't know maybe she thought me coming back could bring the family together again. Anyways I sometimes wonder if I should have been more understanding and just given it more time. I did not chase after her when she left me in a parking lot after me telling her to please not talk about my brother so badly. I wanted to get to know them and have my own impression on what kind of people they were and it was not fair for her to taint them to me. They were her own kids for god sake. When she told my sister that we were not speaking anymore she said it was because we just did not connect. WOW. That was not how I felt. She was my mother, I felt connected just because of that. We talked all the time, saw each other, spent time together (mostly her telling me about how horrible her kids were for not speaking to her) she would tell me how much she loved me yada yada. But then when I stood up to her I was not important anymore. I was hurt at the time. I am over it now. But she is my mother. I guess I do love her because of that. I also know that the event of giving up her first born was so traumatizing for her that it effected all her relationships and her state of mine. Her life was not so easy after giving me up. But neither was mine. I don't compare our pain or experiences. Adoption hurt her and it hurt me in some ways also. I sometimes think it was worse for her.

But as I watched Gene Simmons cry over his fathers grave begging him to forgive him for not coming to see him or making contact to try and be a part of his life. I started to think about how unimportant some things are. How petty things are.

I don't think the regrets we have about the things we have DONE matter much. Its the regrets about the things we DIDN'T do in life that hurt us and in the end those are the ones we will think of.

I recieved some messages from the other day. I am not going to say who it was. Not even sure they reads this. But I wanted to say thank you. They meant allot to me. I really don't want to log back on to respond so I thought that maybe I could do it here. I did not want to make it seem like my online relationships don't matter to me. All I was trying to say was I used to put everything into them and not enough in my IRL friends. They are all here and waiting to be a part of my life. I need to stop pushing them away. They aren't going away they have made it ovious they love and need me too. I realized that the online relationships can end to easily and just like that, and they did. People online will walk away or turn on you without looking back. You think that your online friends know you but they really don't. Without seeing in real life my long time relationships and what I mean the them or how I treat those relationships I just don't think anyone online can really know me to judge me. So saying things to me to hurt me when ending a relationship with me here online cant really mean anything or hurt me. Anyways I feel good. It made me review what kind of friend I am and made me pay attention to what kind of friend I want to be.

So I hope I did not hurt any feelings. People are important to me. They always have been. I need people in my life. In real life and here. I just need to be able to place prioritys on my relationships better. Some of my friends here have become IRL friends. People I care about deeply and love very much. Thankyou guys for wanting to meet me and give me a place in your lives. I love you.

Ani

No comments:

Post a Comment