Thursday, July 5, 2012

I am so on and off with this blog. Its been a year since I have written a word. I don't even know where to start. Lots has changed in a year. A year ago I really did not have much of a life. I could say that has changed allot. I go out with friends. My marriage is a little better. I guess what they say is true about 2 to 3 years a woman can start to heal. I have. Not all the way and I don't think a person can heal all the way from what happened. But this is a start. I guess since this is a blog on adoption I should talk about that. But it will be hard because really I don't even think about adoption, my bmom, my old friends on the forums. I really don't think much about it at all. I do have my bio sister in my life and yes she can get me thinking about it. I just don't get upset or feel any sense of loss at all anymore. It still can be sad. It might always feel that way. The way things turned out for my bmom and her family is sad. I lost out on allot but gained some good stuff too. My sister always tells me how good it was for me that I did not have to grow up with them. She will never get it. Shes wasn't adopted. At times I feel bad for her that she wishes she was me. Grant it I had great adoptive parents but still I lost allot. She sees it as I escaped. I see it as me being first born that I caused it. It is what it is. Give up your first born and see how screwed up your life can get afterward. You will never be the same again. I feel like I can live my life without living adoption everyday. For years I was engulfed in it. Everyday feeling my own story, writing about it, talking about it, feeling others stories, trying to take part in changing it, feeling others pain, seeing it everyday online through adoption forums, blogs, defending my stances on it, fighting and cursing others on it. I don't do that now, and I'm happy. My friendships are back, my relationships are better, I have more time for myself and my family as I am not latched on to my computer. I never realized how many endless hours I spent thinking about adoption even though my life went forward it was always there lingering even in the hours I wasn't delved physically into it, my mind was. Its not anymore. I rarely think of it. I have no desire at all to ever speak to my bmom again. I don't miss her or want her in my life. I do not feel deserted or abandoned by her. I do not feel pushed away or unloved by the way she ended our relationship. I guess I ended it by never calling her again but she really ended it by starting a fight with me over my siblings. Just because she messed stuff up with them and they wont talk to her does not mean I cannot have a relationship with them then or now. I don't regret finding her even now though. I don't have ill feeling towards her for any of it. I am no longer angry about adoption. Mine at least. I still have strong feelings about adoption in general but it no longer dictates my moods or life. I still like to talk about my stance on adoption with people that know nothing of what they speak. I still like to educate someone if I can. I just don't care to fight to be heard anymore. I gave up the fight. Yes there are times I want to punch people in the face with their ignorant comments. That will always be there but I'm not going out of my way to start a fight. Ive accepted that there are going to be people that will never listen or hear what an adopted person has to say. I still believe that adoption is never about the child. See I have changed but not so much. Again I say I just don't live and breath it. Maybe it was the therapist I saw. We did the little light therapy that people do for PTSD. It works for allot of things. I worked for me after we were done I did not feel any kind of pain. Hmmm like a witchdoctor,,, making me laugh. No it was really gone. I was ready to move on to the next issue which was childhood issues with the adoptive parents,, we finished that and bam weeks later gone. I was over it. Now we can start with the marital stuff we will see if she has the same luck. I don't know that is is for now. I might come back in a few days, weeks, months and check in I cant make any promises. Just know that I am content, happy, feeling fulfilled for the first time in a very long time. Life is good.

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